It's My Birthday! And the mixed emotions of turning 32! :) :(

I woke up this morning and I am a year older. I am 32 years old. And with it comes such mixed emotions. I love a good birthday: the week (or month) long celebrations, dinners out, presents, my favorite home cooked meals, comments on Facebook from people I haven't talked to since last birthday :), and amazing comments and texts from my friends and loved ones. All of these things reminds me how blessed I am. But in all honesty, I was kind of dreading this birthday. With this birthday brought a year of my life, that wasn't going to be how I had planned it. I had planned on welcoming my 3rd child in my year of 32. It's not going to happen. And I have been struggling with it. Worse than most people know about to be honest.

I was called out last week by 2 very dear friends though and it was exactly what I needed. I was living the past month in a woe is me attitude. Not being a good friend, not celebrating other friends victories of pregnancy after such long battles, avoiding group situations at all costs, and just kind of living in my own little hole so I didn't have to think about what had happened. It was no way to live. I wasn't living, I was just going through the motions of being a mom. Now I did have some great days, usually they were days that started with my daily devotion and some quiet time with the Lord. On days I slept in and missed it, things were rough. So as I have made it a priority to get up and have my time with God, things have continued to get better and better.

Than yesterday at Bible Study Fellowship, it hit me like a ton of bricks. What was I doing? How dare I act like this? Had I lost all trust or faith in God? The speaker talked about how "We are here on Earth to fulfill God's purpose, not our own purpose in life and the only purpose we should have is to spread the word of how wonderful Jesus is." Game Changer. I always knew that, but for some reason it was like God spoke to me and said "Hello Jamie, I did this so you would have something to share, something to use to spread my name, something to show that through tragedy I have redeemed you and that with me you will have joy and peace in spite of the circumstances." It is not my plan. It is God's plan and this miscarriage was exactly what I needed. 1. Because it grew me spiritually to lean more on him and 2. It has given me another piece to my testimony. Friends, I hate that it takes tragedy for us to draw near to him or really understand what our real purpose in life is, but it does. And for that I couldn't be more thankful that God put this hurdle in my life.

So I welcome 32 today! And as per our family tradition, we usually share what we want to accomplish during this year of our life. It is usually have a baby, move in to a new house, get a new job, lose weight... But all of those things are Earthly. Instead this year, I am going to use my story to reach as many people as I can and tell them about Jesus. I am going to reach out to more people struggling with infertility or miscarriage and be a friend/mentor to them. I am going to be the best friend anyone could imagine, willing to talk or be there in a moments notice. I am going to reach out and love those who I usually wouldn't due to prejudices or cultural differences. I am going to build more relationships than ever and just shine like a light for God so that all who see may also want to find out more about how God can change their life. I think 32 is going to be my best year yet! :) I hope if you are reading this and don't know Jesus, you are inspired to learn more, because the only way I have dealt with and overcome infertility and miscarriage is through God. 100% No doubt about it!
 Thank you all for the birthday wishes  and love and for my 32nd year of life, I am going to live out God's purpose for my life, not my own! I hope you all have a wonderful weekend! I know I will! XOXO