Thursday, September 15, 2016

(IN)FERTILITY FRIDAY - The close of this chapter

Hey guys! I've been debating on whether or not I was going to do this post, but you guys have been with me through this whole journey so you definitely deserve to hear how it ended. This was totally not how I thought my next infertility post would be and if you read back to my last post, clearly I was shocked when this week hit. Like I said last week, I was passed from Dr. Brown over to the normal OB, Dr. Garcia, and had a routine appointment with him yesterday. It was supposed to be a 3 hour ordeal: go over cost of appointments and delivery, an ultrasound, an appointment with the dr.... all that good stuff. I went and did the financial appointment and then went to wait for my ultrasound. Thats when it all came crashing down. She did an ultrasound on my stomach and within a second you could see the baby had no heartbeat. She stopped and said maybe we can see it better vaginally. So she switched probes. (I've had enough ultrasounds to know this was not good. I said a quick prayer.) She did it vaginally and still no heartbeat. She said she was so sorry and took me to a room to talk to Dr. Garcia. He pretty much told me I could choose to miscarry on my own or do a D&C and that was the route he recommended. It is very painful and long to miscarry when you are this far along. I opted for the D&C and he said how about tomorrow morning. And I said ok. 

I had a rough day yesterday, it was honestly the craziest mixed emotions ever. I was devastated one second because obviously we wanted this baby so badly and had gone through so much and then the next second I was ok and thanking God for protecting me. Thinking something must have been wrong genetically with this baby and God was saving us and the baby from a lifetime of possible pain and suffering. The entire day I kept going back and forth. I am a researcher and I deal with pain or tragedy through logic. So of course I start wracking my brain thinking of all the scenarios of what could have gone wrong, maybe I stopped the progesterone before I was really ready to, the baby was measuring 5 days behind last Wednesday...why and why didn't Brown seemed concerned about that? 
Every possible scenario was researched and that also helped me find peace. 

To be honest, in hindsight, I knew something wasn't right. There were several things that God had ordained to put me in that exact scenario. 1. I switched to a different OB (my original OB who got me pregnant with D) bc he was much more caring and loving. I am so glad it was with him and not my old practice where I was just patient number 423. 2. I was concerned with the measuring behind last week but blew it off 3. I was in the waiting room for a while so I started catching up on my Jesus Calling devotions. Every single one was about trusting God and finding peace in him. 4. I was going to see my 2 friends who were at the hospital that day and as I was about to text one something in me said, just wait to text her till after your ultrasound.  All of those things were sent by God to help me go though this process. 

So this morning, Dave and I got up early and headed to the hospital for my D&C. It is a quick outpatient procedure where you are put under and everything is basically cleaned out. I was having such anxiety that things were just moving too quickly. It was almost like I was in a bad dream, just 24 hours ago things were great! To ease my mind, I asked Garcia to do one more ultrasound to make sure there was no heartbeat. He said he was 100% sure but if I needed that confirmation to make me feel good he would give it to me. Of course there wasn't one, and I felt much better about everything. I got my IV, the anesthesia started and off I went. 

 Before I knew it I was back in the room talking to David like a crazy person. He actually recorded some of it. It was pretty funny! Garcia said all went well, I may experience some mild cramping and light bleeding and he would see me back in 2 weeks for a follow up. Once the meds wore off and I was good to walk, we were on our way.

To say this is not how I had planned this pregnancy to go is an understatement. But I can't help but think, I had a feeling this would be the outcome all along. If you look back at my second blood draw that didn't double,I feared this would be the scenario. I always thought since being so open about this journey God was going to use me. He was going to use me to A. allow me to experience things that are relatable to others and B. use me to go through some serious trials/tradgedy and show with God on my side I can overcome anything. Well we are following your plan God not mine and I am going to accomplish both things. I am can now relate with others not only in the infertility world but also in the miscarriage world. And I will be living breathing proof that although I am sad, I am ok. I will heal, my body will heal, and when my world was shaken like an earthquake yesterday , God never left my side. He provided me with words of comfort just seconds before the ultrasound in the form of a book, he provided me with a ultrasound technician who came back 15 minutes later to just hug me and say how sorry she was, he provided me with the most supportive friends and family whose words made me cry every time I got another sweet text message, friends who were willing to take off work today to be with me if I needed it, friends who sent me gorgeous flowers, provided me with parents to come home to to hug, kiss, and watch my children while I mourned and went through all of this, he provided me with a husband who was able to comfort me without even saying anything, he provided me with the 2 most precious girls on Earth that I could come home to and squeeze and just thank him for these wonderful blessings I had already been granted. This my friends is a perfect example of holding on to what matters most... your relationship with God and your relationship with others. When tragedy strikes nothing else in the world matters except those 2 things.

No matter what "storm" you are going through in life, I hope all of you can take something away from this and apply it to your own situation and really just evaluate whats most important in your life. Hopefully your top 2 priorities already are God and your relationships with others, because with out either one of these there really is no meaning to life. I really appreciate all of your prayers over the past 3 months and will continue to appreciate them as you pray for healing and closure for me. I will be taking a little break from the baby world for now and just focus on all the other craziness going on. School, soccer and gym for D, finish the building of our new house, and the holidays. No plans yet, but since I know myself so well I think we will probably try for another baby after the new year. Thanks again for all your support and love from near and far! We definitely felt it! XOXO  - Jamie


  1. You are amazing and that was well said! Tears fell from my eyes when I heard just in pain for my sister to go through this and feel this pain.Words are hard to come by because who knows what to say. But we are here for you whenever you need us! We love you

  2. I'm strong believer that all things in life happen for a reason. This is no exception. Thank you for sharing your story. I think every woman can relate to your story in some way. Even if they specifically didn't have the same journey as you they all have a journey. Your insight made me stronger and grew my empathy for every woman and man who are trying to start a family. You never know what God has in his plan for you. Everyone should hug their babies a little longer after reading this. I know your journey is not over. Your outlook and views are amazing and will make everyone who reads this stronger.