By the grace of God (literally), I was able to come out of it and realize my true meaning and purpose in life. God had it ordained that I started Bible Study Fellowship on the day of my D&C. The month after my D&C, I learned more about God and read the Bible more than I ever have in my entire life. One week my leader spoke and talked about how we are here on Earth to do God's work and share about him with others, not be preoccupied with what we wanted for our own lives. So I took that to heart and learned to trust in God's perfect plan for my life.
Fast forward to a few months later and I felt good enough to do another FET. On March 17, 2017, St. Patricks Day, we transferred another 2 embryos and one of them took. I was pregnant again! Surely this time was going to work. I had learned my lesson from God and was actually grateful for my first miscarriage and all the spiritual growth that had occurred. All looked great again and I was passed from my fertility doctor at 9 1/2 weeks. At my regular OB ultrasound at 12 weeks, they once again found no heartbeat. Was this a bad dream? I had been here before and surely it could not be happening again. It did and 2 days later I was in the hospital for my 2nd D&C. I took this one much better to be honest. I still had my guard up somewhat so I think that helped as well as my relationship with God was much deeper.
Fast forward a few more months to August and I said ok lets give it one last try. These are our last 2 embryos and both times I have gotten pregnant so the odds are in my favor. 8 days after my transfer I took a pregnancy test, and it said Not pregnant. It didn't work. So now what do we do? Do we call it quits and just thank God for the 2 beautiful girls we have? I wasn't sure at the time if I would do it again, but I just had this feeling that my family wasn't complete. So I vowed to wait for God to tell me when to do it again. I really would have loved a verbal announcement that now was the time, but I knew it would be more subtle in the form of signs. Well by December a few things started to happen and I just knew God wasn't done and I had to give it one more try.
So in February 2018, I decided to do the entire Fresh IVF cycle again. We new we only wanted one more baby, but I was hoping and praying for lots of embryos because we ended up with one child out of 7 last time. So off we went. We also decided this time to do genetic testing to increase our chances of a healthy baby. For both miscarriages no-one could tell me why they didn't live past 9 weeks. They said they could have been genetically abnormal or just plain bad luck. So we decided to give ourselves the best chance possible. We would do the genetic testing and atleast put in a embryo that had all the right chromosomes and we would let God to the rest from there.
The shots began and we were counting about 8-10 embryos that were growing. I was really hoping for 10-12 but could live with 8. Last time we got 10 eggs and 7 made it to day 5 so if I had 8 I would have about 5-6 embryos to freeze which hopefully would give us our one last baby. On the day of my retrieval they removed 8 embryos and 7 fertilized. I was ecstatic! Then day 6 happened when I got a call to tell me how many embryos they were able to genetically test and freeze, and it was only 2. :( This lady was a hot mess! Seriously only 2! I knew the statistics and on average 50% of genetically tested embryos come back abnormal so if I was a normal statistic I would have 1 embryo. Or I could have none. Who knows!
So the 2 week wait to get my results back ensued. It was miserable playing every scenario in my mind. What was my next step... I have learned over the past 2 years, you pretty much cannot control anything! It is all up to God so I had to give it up to him. I am still a work in progress on this by the way. I finally got the phone call and the doctor told me, that I had one normal embryo. One shot for a baby and if it doesn't work all this money is out the window and we are back to square one.
So we waited for the perfect time to transfer, based off of my own normal ovulation and in that one little embryo went. Talk about stressful and anxiety while I waited to see if it worked and I become pregnant. 8 days later I took a pregnancy test and it said Pregnant! Woohoo! I was cautiously optimistic. But then God started to test me every step of the way for the next few weeks.
I had my first blood test and all looked great! I was so happy! Then I went in 2 days later to see if my numbers were doubling and they were not. I even went in the next day and they still hadn't doubled. From the mountaintop to the valley I went. The baby was 100% not making it. I was certain. Slow numbers can be an indication of an ectopic pregnancy so they scheduled me for a very early ultrasound at 5 weeks to see if we could just see a sac. It was not an ectopic Thank the Lord. Come back next week to see if we see a heartbeat, we did! Come back the next week just to check things (7 weeks), they found a hemorrhage and the placenta was not attached completely. It could either detach fully or we wait and hope the blood stops and it will reattach. Week 8, its still there but not too much bigger. Week 9 it is still there but same size. Week 10 I go in more anxious than I have ever been in my life. Both miscarriages the babies stopped growing during the 9th week. Will I go see no heartbeat again? I said a prayer and asked God for an obvious sign! If this baby is going to make it, could he make the heartbeat and everything look great and even make the blood disappear. So what did God do? He did just that for me! The blood had disappeared, the placenta was fully attached and we saw a baby actually moving and kicking around! I have even moved on to my OB and had a great ultrasound at 12 weeks that looked great! Can this really be happening? Am I actually going to have a baby after 2 long years of trials and tragedies? I am still in shock and still cautious, but I think I will always be until I am holding a child in my arms! So friends I am pregnant!! I am in my second trimester at 14 weeks and am due on January 7th!
In hindsight, God laid all of this out perfectly! He gave me only one embryo because we only wanted one more baby, he gave me only one embryo so we wouldn't have to face the decision of which embryo to put in based off of gender, he gave me low numbers so I could have early ultrasounds to give me reassurance, he gave me a hemorrhage because there was no way I would sleep if I didn't get to see the baby weekly to make sure it was still alive and growing. It all has worked out so beautifully that I wish I didn't doubt every step along the way because clearly God has got this under control. He surely doesn't need me and my crappy plans to interfere.
So I hope that for anyone who is reading this, my story can inspire you. Inspire you to trust in God and lean in to him, no matter what trial you are facing. He has everyday of your life written out already and we need to sit back and let God unfold it how he sees fit. We need to trust that his plan is best. Trust that God loves us more than we could ever imagine and he wants whats best for us. What we think is best for our lives may not actually be. I needed those miscarriages to happen. Without them who knows where I would be trying to live life on my own. Because of them, I have strengthened and deepened my relationship with God. And truly all we are here on Earth for is to build relationships with others and bring them to Heaven with us one day. So in the end it was all worth it!
Thank you to all who have been on this journey with me over the past 2 years and have prayed for me constantly. You'll never know how much I appreciated it and still do! I am so glad I have a community of Godly people guiding me throughout my life. Prayers for a continued healthy pregnancy and baby of course are always welcome too! Love to you all! XOXO
No Comments Yet, Leave Yours!