(IN)FERTILITY FRIDAY - It's go time!

Well friends, the time has finally come! Tomorrow is transfer day! I had a blood test today and my progesterone level was a 27 which is very good so I am scheduled to transfer my one and only embryo tomorrow at 9. To be completely honest, I have mixed emotions about it. I am excited to do it because what if things go well and we have a baby in 9 months. But on the other hand, what if it doesn't work and I am back to square one. What would do? Would I just call it quits or try again one more time?! I don't know. So I almost was finding comfort in that frozen embryo, that I didn't have to think about those things because I still had a chance for a baby. The positive side of me says don't worry about those things, because this is going to work and none of that will be an issue. I also am a realist and know the odds aren't in my favor. Maybe I'm on this emotional rollercoaster again because God still has some work to do in me. I am learning to give up control and trust him, but I am no where great at it yet and may need some more work on it. (See above how much I like to plan things out, I'm trying to decide if I will do it again or not if this doesn't work. Stop it Jamie!) LOL All I know is God is in control and if it is the right time he will bless us with a baby. If it not, then I need to trust in his good and perfect plan.

I was talking to a friend the other day who knows someone going through IVF and is not a Christian. They have had 2 failed transfers and the doctors are at a loss on why and she can't understand why either. To me it seems plain as day...God's trying to get her attention or break her down to desperation so she will seek him. Ultimately it is all in his hands and to not have hope in his plans would be miserable going through this. I hope all people who don't know Jesus that read this blog know that that is how I keep continuing on through all this. I surely would have given up and become depressed with the miscarriages had I had nothing else to live for. But thankfully I do so it makes the highs and the lows on this infertility journey bearable and worthwhile! Yes I want another baby, but is that my purpose on this Earth. No! My purpose is to live for Jesus in all I do shining light a light for him and bringing the news of him to all ends of the Earth. I would say this journey has provided a great platform for God's purpose to be achieved. So ultimately it has all been worth it!!

I started an online bible study on Hosea 2 weeks ago because the way our pastor presented the story of Hosea and Gomer fascinated me! I had to learn more. So as I read through the book of Hosea, I saw Hosea and God's unconditional love, but it was hard to break it down. This study has been amazing doing that for me. On Wednesday I read Hosea 2:6. It just sounded like a mad God, but when you read into it deeply it's not a mad God. It is a loving God who puts thorn bushes in your way to slow you down to seek him and protect you. It's crazy to think of a love like that. Would I push my kid down to get them out of the road so they weren't hit by a car. Of course. I love them and yes they may get hurt a little but to save their life it is totally worth it. Mind blown! Anyways just had to share what a God wink that was and how he continues to provide clarity and show his love for me on this journey.

I'll be going in tomorrow at 9 am so I would love all the prayers I can get for success as well as peace for me tomorrow and over the next 2 weeks. I will be laying around tomorrow resting so maybe I will come do another post on how everything went. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart! I'm so glad I have such amazing family and friends to walk this journey with me. XOXO

(IN)FERTILITY FRIDAY - Day 11 Ultrasound

Good News! Does anyone else appreciate the first few words to indicate whether I have a good or bad update?!? I know when I follow other peoples blogs, I don't want to read 5 paragraphs before finding out how things went so I thought I'd help you out and cut down on the suspense LOL.

So yesterday I had my Day 11 ultrasound. They were checking to make sure I had a good egg follicle  over 18 mm and a nice thick lining. I thought it was a little early since I usually ovulate on Day 14-15 but all looked good. I actually still had a pretty thick uterine lining at 12 mm, but it is in the range (8-14mm) they like it so that box was checked and I had one good egg that measured at 20 mm. So she gave me the green light to do the transfer. A nurse came in and gave me a shot called Ovidrel to make me ovulate. (It took me back to the good old days of IUIs) Basically it just helps with the timing of of it all. So now we know I most likely ovulated this evening and they want you in 5 days later, which puts me on Saturday morning. I was put on Crinone once a day to make sure I had enough progesterone over the next week, but I don't think they keep you on it for long. I know you can't have too much progesterone so I may just ask to stay on it for peace of mind if all goes well. And thats all I have to do. Just take my prenatal vitamin and lay low. I am taking a baby aspirin and another B-12/folate vitamin, but that is about I.

So that is where we stand. I head in Saturday morning, have my one embryo transferred and then I lay around and pray that this embryo results in a healthy pregnancy and baby for me in 9-10 months. I have been keeping up with my acupuncture once a week and we are going to do a session before my transfer and one after to help me relax and not stress too much. I have actually grown to like acupuncture and find it very relaxing. I've also been drinking some bone broth and eating healthy to try get my body as healthy as possible to accept an embryo. Hey I will try an old wives tale or 2 as long as it doesn't hurt anything.

Thank you guys so much for your prayers. Now is really the time to ramp them up, that this would be successful, that I will not be stressed and trust in God's plan while I wait for the miserable 2 weeks to see if it worked, and if it does work for a healthy baby and no miscarriage. I won't have a blood test for 10-12 days after so I will let you all know when that is once I have my transfer this weekend. I will do one more post on Friday letting you all know the exact time and game plan for Saturday. I hope you all have a great week. XOXO

Emily's Baby Shower

This past Saturday we celebrated my sister in law Emily and her baby boy to be Caleb. We did a cow theme (just really a few cow touches) shower at my house and everything turned out great! The best part was having all of the McLaughlin side of the family in town for the week. It honestly was a family reunion and we had a great time. Here are some pictures of the party and the weekend.

(IN)FERTILITY FRIDAY

Hi Friends! So I didn't think I would be back so quickly with an update but I have got one! I took my progesterone for 5 days and then stopped to wait for my period to come. It came yesterday so that means I am on cycle day 2 today of my next cycle. That means in 2ish weeks give or take a few days we will be (Lord willing) doing our transfer. Like I mentioned before I am doing a natural cycle so no meds to take. Just go in for an ultrasound on Day 11 which is next Sunday and see how things are progressing. If I have a good egg and a good lining then I will transfer 5-6 days later. Note: The egg has nothing to do with my embryo transfer. It does however indicate how well I will ovulate and how much progesterone and hormones I will produce to sustain a pregnancy so they want a good mature egg at 18mm or more before doing the trigger shot to make me ovulate. Then they transfer the embryo 5 days after you ovulate because it is a 5 day old embryo. And then we just pray and wait. So hopefully this next week goes well, I produce a good thick lining and a good egg and all things will be a good in 2 weeks!

This is honestly the first time I can say I am ok with the timing of whenever it happens. I have finally given up that piece of control and don't care or stress about it anymore. If my ultrasound next Sunday is not good, then we wait till next month. No biggie. This is big coming from the planner of the world. LOL I have not even looked up what my due date would be if I transfer 2 weeks from now, because it honestly doesn't matter. I've fought myself once or twice not to look because it is so habitual, but I am gonna win and hold strong and not even look at that until we are pregnant with a baby! Not like it really matters if I look or not, but I am just working on letting go of control and trusting God so this little baby step is a step in the right direction.

So thats all the news I have for you. I am hosting Emily's baby shower at my house next Saturday with 40 people so I will most likely not do a post till after my ultrasound next Sunday or the Monday after. Thank you for all your continued prayers and I am just feeling really good that this natural is what I have been needing all along and let's let God and my body do the work this time. I've got a good feeling :) I hope you all have a great weekend XOXO

(IN)FERTILITY FRIDAY - Day 13 ultrasound

This past Thursday I had my Day 13 ultrasound. Basically just a quick look at the uterine lining to make sure it is thick enough to have an embryo implant. I read all types of stuff about the success rates being much better on a lining thickness of 8 or greater. My doctor will do it as long as your have a 6 mm lining  so I read some stuff one the internet and set out to make sure my uterine lining would be good and thick. They had me take 6 mg of estrogen a day to thicken the lining and in addition to that I was eating 4-5 brazil nuts a day and some pineapple and lots of protein to get good flow to my uterus. Well I don't know if it was the food or the medicine, but when I went in he said woah! You have a very thick lining. I said oh good! And he goes um I think it may be too thick. What??? I didn't know there was a too thick threshold. I was at a 14 mm and 15mm at another spot and he likes it to be no more than 14 mm thick. I could only laugh. I am doing all this stuff and low and behold it was a little too much. LOL I said well if it is not perfect I don't want to transfer the embryo since I only have one. He 100% agreed and said lets just hold off this month and get your period to come and try again 2 weeks after you get your period! Fine with me! So the timing of it all is dependent on when my period comes again. 

When I left I called Dave and he was like this is a sign we need to do a natural cycle. The main reason Winslow talked me out of the natural is because my uterine lining could not be thick enough. Well I think I can get a thick enough lining so why not try. If it isn't think enough when I go in on Day 13 then we hold off again and try next month. I'm not in any rush, I just want it to work. So thats where we stand. Once I get my period I am going to take no estrogen, still probably eat  some good foods and get my weekly acupuncture and see how my lining looks at day 13. A natural is timed around your normal ovulation, so you do make your own hormones which was the number 1 reason why I switched to this doctor to begin with. I think this was God's way of saying stick to your guns and do what you came to this practice for. So I am gladly on hold and excited to see how this natural cycle goes. 

I hope everyone has a wonderful Easter tomorrow! There is no greater feeling knowing that this life and short and fleeting and because Jesus died on the cross and rose from the dead we have hope in an amazing eternity with him in Heaven. With this perspective all this infertility stuff seems so small in the grand scheme of things. I am just very grateful and thankful for all I have been blessed with and God's timing and plan is perfect and I can't wait to see how it all plays out! Jesus is alive!! XOXO

(IN)FERTILITY FRIDAY - Genetic Testing Results

I was just about to walk out the door today and realized, I had not updated you guys on the status of my embryos. So this post is going to be short and sweet, but I didn't want to leave you in suspense. Moral of the story: We have 1 "normal" embryo. We have one shot at a baby and no other option if it doesn't work but to do the whole thing over. I am grateful we have one though. Of course I would have loved 2 but atlas we have one and they didn't call to tell me sorry you have nothing to transfer. The other came back with some missing chromosomes on chromosomes 6, 7 & 18. Not sure what that means, except it would probably not end up in a viable pregnancy. The wait on Wednesday to hear the results was miserable and the worst part was waiting the entire day and then them telling me sorry we don't have the results at 4 pm when they were closing. A very sweet nurse Patty did call me first thing yesterday morning though to tell me she didn't have the report, but found out I had one normal which I throughly appreciated!

So from here we transfer this baby in and hope it is the perfect one God has been making us wait around for. I stopped my birth control and will start some estrogen on Sunday and I have an ultrasound in 2 weeks to check the lining of my uterus. If all looks good we are scheduled to transfer this embryo on April 3rd, just after Easter! I am not sure why, but I have a good feeling about this one. Hopefully this doesn't bite me in the behind :), but I think it was very fitting that God only gave me exactly what I needed. Only one more baby and no choice to be tempted to choose gender. He gave me exactly what I needed and took care of all the tough decisions for me. (Bc lets be honest, if I had 2-3 good embryos, I would try putting them in to see what happens. I couldn't just leave them frozen forever) So that is where we are. Thank you for your prayers and I am super grateful that after my horrible call 2 weeks ago, I went to church is it was the best sermon I have heard in a good 5 years and it was life changing for me. Had me crying the whole time, strangers touching me praying for me, and all of my favorite songs were sung. It was meant for me and I felt peace with whatever happened after that. So don't worry I haven't been in misery for 2 weeks. I was back to normal and perfectly good until this Wednesday when the results were supposed to come in. I am good now though! So keep the prayers coming...we need a nice thick uterine lining to let this baby attach to and healthy pregnancy and child at the end of this. Thank you guys for all your support and I will keep you posted on how things are progressing. XOXO

(IN)FERTILITY FRIDAY - DAY 7 RESULTS

Bad News. Talk about going from a huge high to an ultimate low. It happened today. Last I posted, 7 out of 8 eggs fertilized. Last time I did a fresh cycle 3 years ago, I had 7 that fertilized and all 7 made it to be frozen. Well I am a realist and figured one or 2 would die off so I was hoping for atleast 4 maybe 5 that were able to be frozen and genetically tested. The nurse called me today and let me know that only 2 made it. Yes only 2. :( That's 2 that were frozen and biopsied. We still don't know if they are normal or abnormal, just that only 2 developed properly into the blastocyst stage. :( I was so upset; or I am so upset. I am little better now, but the initial shock of it was not good. Odds are 50% of eggs are abnormal so that would give me 1 to try to implant. And to be honest I don't think those odds even count when you only have 2 to test. I very well could get a call in 2 weeks and them say sorry but both are abnormal and we have nothing to transfer. So it was not a good day.

To be honest, I don't even know how I feel. One second, I am pissed. Like how much more do I need to possibly go through to try and have a baby. Clearly God thinks I don't need another child and I should be happy with the 2 kids I have. And then I go to...well atleast I have 2 children already, can you imagine if I was going through all of this trying for my first child. Then I go to...McLaughlin party of 4, fine, lets sell all the old baby stuff and make a dang craft room out of my extra bedroom. So glad I have a van, a million baby clothes, and items that won't be used. Just get it out. Then I say well since I'm not pregnant lets plan that European vacation I want to go on. Or Maybe I will homeschool Delainey and just travel around the country just me and the girls. (haha that one is a little extreme. I love the idea, but don't know I could actually do it). Then I feel guilty, like did I try to rush God, maybe I wasn't supposed to do this yet, maybe he is trying to show me that I really need to relinquish control and trust that he is all powerful. Like I don't feel like I could really conceive naturally one day. How ridiculous to think God couldn't make a baby for me if he wanted to. So this is my come to Jesus moment to let go of any shred of control I still have or think I have.

Honestly I don't know how I feel. I told Dave there is going to be none to test and this was my last try so this family of 4 is what it will be. And I would like to believe I would be ok and content for the rest of my life. But I don't know if thats true. I am surely not a quitter, but when is enough enough? Who knows! I can't answer that.

So moral of the story, we wait. We wait another 14 days to see if either of these embryos come back normal. And if by the grace of God we have a normal one, we will transfer it in about a month. I wouldn't wish this emotional rollercoaster on my worst enemy, so those of you who never have to experience it, be glad. I can take 5,000 shots all day everyday, but the mind games that go along with it are miserable. Sorry for not coming on here with a lovely post about I know God is in control and whatever happens is part of his plan for my life and in 5 years I will be glad all this happened. Yes I know it all and I believe it all. But, that doesn't mean I can't be mad at God for a hot minute about the crappy situation and then I will go back to all I know and love about God. This is how I am really feeling.

So I will be back in 2 weeks to let you all know what the results are. Luckily I am going to Orlando next weekend for Blakely's birthday. We are going to the Bippiddi Boppiddi Boutique to get her hair and make up done and then doing lunch in Cinderella's castle to meet at the princesses. She is going to love it! So that trip will get my mind off of things. Follow along on Instagram to see all the fun we are having. Thanks for the prayers and I would love some continued prayers that those embryos would come back normal. One would be lovely, 2 would be amazing!! Thanks guys and talk to you in 2 weeks. XOXO