(IN)FERTILITY FRIDAY - DAY 7 RESULTS

Bad News. Talk about going from a huge high to an ultimate low. It happened today. Last I posted, 7 out of 8 eggs fertilized. Last time I did a fresh cycle 3 years ago, I had 7 that fertilized and all 7 made it to be frozen. Well I am a realist and figured one or 2 would die off so I was hoping for atleast 4 maybe 5 that were able to be frozen and genetically tested. The nurse called me today and let me know that only 2 made it. Yes only 2. :( That's 2 that were frozen and biopsied. We still don't know if they are normal or abnormal, just that only 2 developed properly into the blastocyst stage. :( I was so upset; or I am so upset. I am little better now, but the initial shock of it was not good. Odds are 50% of eggs are abnormal so that would give me 1 to try to implant. And to be honest I don't think those odds even count when you only have 2 to test. I very well could get a call in 2 weeks and them say sorry but both are abnormal and we have nothing to transfer. So it was not a good day.

To be honest, I don't even know how I feel. One second, I am pissed. Like how much more do I need to possibly go through to try and have a baby. Clearly God thinks I don't need another child and I should be happy with the 2 kids I have. And then I go to...well atleast I have 2 children already, can you imagine if I was going through all of this trying for my first child. Then I go to...McLaughlin party of 4, fine, lets sell all the old baby stuff and make a dang craft room out of my extra bedroom. So glad I have a van, a million baby clothes, and items that won't be used. Just get it out. Then I say well since I'm not pregnant lets plan that European vacation I want to go on. Or Maybe I will homeschool Delainey and just travel around the country just me and the girls. (haha that one is a little extreme. I love the idea, but don't know I could actually do it). Then I feel guilty, like did I try to rush God, maybe I wasn't supposed to do this yet, maybe he is trying to show me that I really need to relinquish control and trust that he is all powerful. Like I don't feel like I could really conceive naturally one day. How ridiculous to think God couldn't make a baby for me if he wanted to. So this is my come to Jesus moment to let go of any shred of control I still have or think I have.

Honestly I don't know how I feel. I told Dave there is going to be none to test and this was my last try so this family of 4 is what it will be. And I would like to believe I would be ok and content for the rest of my life. But I don't know if thats true. I am surely not a quitter, but when is enough enough? Who knows! I can't answer that.

So moral of the story, we wait. We wait another 14 days to see if either of these embryos come back normal. And if by the grace of God we have a normal one, we will transfer it in about a month. I wouldn't wish this emotional rollercoaster on my worst enemy, so those of you who never have to experience it, be glad. I can take 5,000 shots all day everyday, but the mind games that go along with it are miserable. Sorry for not coming on here with a lovely post about I know God is in control and whatever happens is part of his plan for my life and in 5 years I will be glad all this happened. Yes I know it all and I believe it all. But, that doesn't mean I can't be mad at God for a hot minute about the crappy situation and then I will go back to all I know and love about God. This is how I am really feeling.

So I will be back in 2 weeks to let you all know what the results are. Luckily I am going to Orlando next weekend for Blakely's birthday. We are going to the Bippiddi Boppiddi Boutique to get her hair and make up done and then doing lunch in Cinderella's castle to meet at the princesses. She is going to love it! So that trip will get my mind off of things. Follow along on Instagram to see all the fun we are having. Thanks for the prayers and I would love some continued prayers that those embryos would come back normal. One would be lovely, 2 would be amazing!! Thanks guys and talk to you in 2 weeks. XOXO